||[Jun. 4th, 2005|10:28 pm]
aaaaaah!! computer!! aaaaaaah!! computer!! @_@|
today, i learned (very very bad way to start writing..? i guess.. -_-;;) that there are so many different people in the world.
but i also learned that i'm not really me. i hope i can be me soon. cause being me will be more fun.
i met friend's of uncle and aunt, she teaches at upenn, esl, and it's very interesting to see what she has told me about college. so she said, that not to be wasted at party, cause LOT of girls lose their virginity in first day of party.. -_-a apperently, her roommate happened to be in that position. topics were linking from there to many other things, and one other thing was that asian kids tend to meet more asian kids in college, make their group with them, and just becomes really good friends with only asian kids. cause it's easier to do that. i really really hope i don't just try to be friends with only korean, or just make friends with only koreans. i wish in penn state, i'll meet more and more people i can get comfortable with, but not to make single group. i want to have many friends as possible, and not to be in one isolated group. i'm hoping i would be more confident enough to make more new friends and feel more secure about myself. i want to be me instead of maybe me. instead of being spoiled or just looking over everything, i want to be a part of it and learn. i don't want to be a 'seems like smart looking quiest asian female'.; not even smart, but seems smart. eeeewwww. who does that. =_= that would be the worst thing. i want to be 'hanim'. i guess. not that i'm not me right now. -_-?;; everything's moving fast now, it's scary to think about all the interest rate that's going up for the student loan, job market, society, possible family creation, and basically life on my own, but i know it's what i have to do, and i will not forgive myself if i never step out just because i am afraid. though i'm not the world's most interesting, fasinating person to meet, doesn't mean i'm not worth knowing i guess. well, hopefully not. if i am, that will be pretty sad.. --; i want to trust more people and get to know more people. but still look after what i already have. i don't want to earse people i know now. i really hope i don't just totally erase myself and create new figure, but to transform, keeping things that are worth keeping. i'm going to work to be who i want to be. not many things can be a 'cold turkey'. if they are, life will be so much easier, but cold turkey is hard to do and rarely possible. it's hard to keep on track of everything, just because i don't want to. for such a long time, i didn't want to care about anything or just think about anything. as long as i have that little moment. almost like a drug. well, addiction. says who addiction's pretty. no wonder it's tiring to be continuously not wanting to care, when i have so much things that i need to be doing. it's so funny, because with simple mind trick, i can be overload to emty with same amount. when i was a kid, i never understand the phrase 'sometimes, it's better not knowing.', but now it's more understandable why people say such things. why people say 'i don't want to know.' even though it is there. life doesn't always attracts me. it really doesn't. there are more times that it dissapoints me then attracting me, yet i continue to watch life, because of curiousity and posibilities. -and maybe pintch of hope. well, i hope my curiosity will drag me longer and longer so many i can see what i'm dealing with. there are sooo many ironic incidents in life, it's quite scary. so many people become who they hate though they are not like that as a yonger person. one of many fears in my life is to become aloned old lady living in a house, never goes out, all i do entire day is watching tv, or clean, or just something very basic and boring. though i've seen many many ironic things, i will do my best to not the irony play giant role in my life. it is so true that we are walking towards bitter end unless we get ready to add some sugar to it. i want to be more mature. adults knew that and to kids, they try to make kids carry some sugar. only few picks it up what adults are trying to say. i wish to be more mature thought it's frightening to be an adult. just the nature of adult, hard to compromise, close minded, opinionated, rough, mean, lot of pressure.., drives me away from wanting to be adult. but nothing can be perfect. to be confident, to know who you are, to be independent, to live life, you have to be an adult. well, middle ground sounds lovely to see both side. i want to be talented realiable person. someone who can get her jobs done right and trust wordy. knows what she's doing, and fun to be around. i want to be enjoyable person. nothing says i can't be that person, but nothing says i can be that person either. the way, that will be up to me to find them. it's my job to find a line for myself on everything. something tells me-a little birdy.. well.. many many MANY little middle and big birds- next four years will be key point to finding the way or ways. i'll grow up. i'll learn. i'll deal with life.
when i come out of college, my goal is to be able to say, yes i'm closer to a figure i wanted to be. i want to work for something instead of just living the moment. for me, living for the moment feels very empty. and yes, i know i'm not that much of advanturer, and i want to be, and i know in order to be one, i need to be seeking more from the moment, but i want to do more then just to seek the moment. yet, i hope i don't forget to enjoy the moment, because moments add up to be entire thing. i guess what i'm thinking is never to lose my goal and to always have a goal. life without a goal is just painful. who knows. maybe after four years, i would be reading this and laughing at myself. i know i'm still too young and there are so much i need to learn to declare my independence, but i'll take step towards that everyday. i won't give up on it. that's promise to myself. i've given up many times before but i dare say i don't want to give up. after all, i am living in america- i mean, gotta get something out of it. =) somehting like, independence sounds good. i'll see i'll see. so at the end of all this random rambling, i dare to ask you not to give up on me. i know we got to know each other in highschool, and yeah, maybe we already exposed ourselfs to each other too much that when we get older, we'll wish we never knew each other ever, but i want to see the difference. i want keep what i have not erasing them to get some new stuff. so i dare to ask to keep me as friend. and i dare to say i'll be more dangerous of a person I'll be after each time we meet. just because i want to be that awesome. =) chow.